So we had our first spring season match in tennis in my 3 years on the team! It was on Saturday, St. Patrick’s Day, and one of the sunniest and hottest days of the year by far. And of course we were outside. I got a pretty bad shoulder burn, but thankfully that was all. I at least had time to apply sunblock before the match started…

The reason I didn’t have time to put it anywhere else is because we got lost. It was actually pretty funny. There was a point when I was on the phone relaying directions and kept saying “right” over and over and the driver still turned left… even as she was saying “right.” It was pretty funny, but I think she got really frustrated.

The match itself was also very frustrating. We were all playing two positions higher than we normally did, because our number 1 was off doing whatever and our number 2 is in France for the semester. So, suffice it to say, we got creamed. One girl won though, in an amazing come back from losing like 2-6 or 0-6, to winning the second set 4-6 (omg I have to interject this to note how this girl is laughing so weirdly over and over, the same laugh as if a broken record is going on and on) and then winning the third set tiebreaker 8-2 or something. I don’t remember if they played to 7, 8, or 10…

I played 2-6, 2-6. Well… I did pretty bad. They were trying to cheer me up saying hey she could actually be the number 1 or 2 on their team, and I’m a number 5, so I shouldn’t feel bad. Sorry, but when I’m making a million mistakes, I will feel bad no matter what. It’s a different story if we were rallying like crazy, down to it going to whoever doesn’t make the one out of ten mistakes. But I was just mishitting everything. I could hardly get serves in half the time. I could get to every ball she hit, she didn’t hit any winners unless I was being aggressive and rushed the net. She didn’t hit any amazing serves. I just would mishit every ball. I even aced her twice. So yeah, maybe she really is that good, and if I wasn’t mishitting maybe I would have lost to her anyway just because maybe she was like a brick wall. But I didn’t have a chance to find that out because I was playing so bad. There is no cheering me up out of that one other than to let me try again.

Which reminds me, the next game against the same school is scheduled on the day that I have two finals. It’s a Saturday, too. Geez.

In other news, today my tennis buddy and I went to play tennis with two guys we met at a party. My buddy is a lesbian, so it’s not like this was any sort of double date or something. So they pick us up and they are pretty funny (I actually don’t remember which guy was which until we met them) and it was a good time. We spent a good couple of hours playing. They were pretty bad, but not so bad that you can’t play. It was funny to watch them honestly. I had been texting one of the guys so it was good to finally match a face to the name. Maybe we will go out and play again. He did, in the texts, invite me to hang out without my tennis buddy too.

And in other, other news. I just finished picking three topics for my senior thesis (here it’s called the tutorial) for my theory class tomorrow. I really don’t know what I want to write about! But I guess I have to pick… maybe I will go into detail in a new post. But that was what I’ve been stressing about. I’m really surprised. This is the first time I’ve posted to tumblr AFTER I finished an assignment…

So the night of Bourbon Street. It was really warm, so warm we could wear short sleeves. Coming from Pittsburgh where we were earlier that day wearing winter coats, we were quite fascinated. We walked the length of the street enjoying the view of all the drunkards and getting a feel for the area. Then we decided to get a drink. A bartender had shouted at us when we passed by so we figured, why not? And he gave us a good deal, too. $5 for a Hand Grenade, the tourist death trap apparently. It was pretty good, and very strong. So with those in hand we decided to continue exploring, but we reached the end of the populated part of the street so we turned back around. At some point for some reason we stopped on the sidewalk thinking of what to do. We were trying to find a place that would have cheap drinks where we could hang out in, but we figured they wouldn’t want us to go inside with the drinks we already had so we were trying to drink it all.

Then a guy shows up out of nowhere and starts talking to us. He was pretty funny, and he had a lot of guts to approach a group of four ladies all on his own. I thought for sure some of his friends would show up, but nope. So we do introductions, his name is Jake. We talked about where we all came from, he apparently is from California but travels around everywhere doing some sort of work involving metal. More small talk and then we decide to go into the bar right across the street from us. We headed straight upstairs to the bar at the top, where only two guys were already there. Some way or another, I ended up talking with the Jake guy, and my three other friends with the two new guys.

So pretty much for the next few hours we are in our own little world talking about all sorts of things. He was a really fun guy to talk to, and I didn’t feel that shy with him as I normally would (maybe because I was quite tipsy). I asked him for a recommendation for my next drink and I pulled out money when he took out his own cash to pay, which was really nice of him. And then he started complimenting me on everything and making me feel really shy. Looking back, maybe that was just a tactic, but at the time I just thought it was so sweet. He said I smelled nice and I looked really pretty, and that he liked my glasses (inner lol). I called him out that every guy I know says they like glasses on me and he goes on about how my other friends don’t look nearly as good in glasses as I do, and when I laid down further complaints he pulled my glasses off! Wow, that was a first. So we continued to talk with my glasses off.

I don’t really remember everything in full detail and in order, so I’ll just skip around. He had also asked me to dance at some point, and I was really reluctant, thinking dancing meant grinding, but he pulled me into a traditional ballroom-type dance and I just started cracking up and went along with it. He spun me and dipped me and we just danced side to side. It was a sight to see. I like this type of dancing, so I was having a lot of fun.

And I don’t know exactly when it started, but he was trying to kiss me for awhile. I kept pushing him away and he would just smile about it, like he knew he would get me sooner or later. And he did, eventually we did kiss. And I remember actually swooning backwards! I don’t know if it was from the alcohol or not, but it was a very sweet kiss. I still tried to resist him, telling him that I just had a break up and I still liked that other guy, but he was pretty persistent. I think I did not find this appalling because he never once made a move to touch my ass or my breasts like other guys. We did end up making out at some point, but we soon had to leave.

Apparently my friends did not have as good of luck with their guys. One of the guys apparently was super aggressive, talking about war and then threatened to get his gun from his car, which is when my friend said it was time to leave. The guys ended up following us out, too, and we were in a little of a panic. Thankfully they got distracted and we turned down another street and got away. We then ducked into an IHOP to use the bathroom and then chilled there for awhile, drinking coffee to sober up a little.

So when we got back to the hotel I hung back to say goodbye to Jake. He was leaving the next day so that would be the last time I would see him. Which I was kind of thankful for, and kind of sad at the same time. I think we kissed one last time before saying goodbye. There was also a joke about going to his hotel (at least I think it was a joke, he didn’t press it at all so I assume he was joking too) and I gave him my number and added him to Facebook (which he just recently accepted the other day).

Well, it was a really sweet night. And I do feel guilty about the guy I still like. Is that like cheating? But we broke up, and said we could see other people. But I felt like, what if I should tell him? I mean, I would want to know if he was seeing other girls. Well, maybe I would want to know. And that I was kissing this guy so soon after we broke up? And yet all we did was kiss. I don’t know, what do you think? I guess for now I don’t plan on telling him. But should I feel guilty?

Oh so I guess I should post about last week. I am still at home in Maryland with my parents right now until spring break ends. I don’t want it to end! And yet it’s already Wednesday! NOOO!!!!

Moving on, so we headed over to New Orleans last Wednesday. Got there around night, stressing over getting to the hotel and getting checked in. One of the worst Marriott’s I’ve stayed in, maybe because we were there at convention rate when I’m used to being there with my dad who is an elite member. Oh well. So we didn’t have wifi or a continental breakfast like we had assumed, so our budget sort of had a huge hole in it to factor in breakfast.

Anyway, so the panels were alright. I find them quite boring because I haven’t read most of the books that they were talking about and I don’t really like reading critical works, much less listening to them. I struggled to stay awake. The creative panels were much more enjoyable. My panel, the very last group of panel of the convention on Saturday, went fairly well. There was a person missing so we only had three total. I went in the middle. I seemed to get a good applause, no less or more than the other two, and I was able to answer the questions fairly intelligently. Success.

Other than the panels, we ate, ate, ate, drank, and explored in New Orleans. Mostly the French Quarter. I’ve never spent so much on food in my life. I hate being in the touristy area because shit there is expensive. We had $15~$20 meals each time, no matter where we went. Sigh.

Tours are also expensive. $26 or something to go on a tour of the cemetery, the only conveniently timed one that we could take and the cheapest. I don’t regret it though, it was really cool and we learned a lot about the city, not just the dead people. It was super cold though, and on the verge of raining the entire time.

We also went to the infamous Bourbon Street, where there is just bar after bar after stripper club. I have got to say, this place is very interesting. I’ve never been in an area where people could just take alcohol out onto the street and drink it, hopping bar to bar getting more and more drunk and flailing their drink on other drunken passerby. And this was a Wednesday. There were also strippers standing on the street or in doorways, enticing people to come in with their lacy bras and undies, some nearly naked completely. I was really surprised that these things were legal. But there were police patrolling regularly, and even police on huge horses that scared the crap out of me. They closed the road to most traffic probably because there would be so many deaths otherwise.

And I have a sweet memory to tell of this night, but since this post is getting really long I will save it for next time. CLIFFHANGER.

Uh oh, a post! Guess what that means……. yep. Another paper is being procrastinated. This time it is about Shakespeare’s Midsummer Night’s Dream. I have to come up with a thesis that I want to write about and somehow write four pages. Aughhhhh. So far I was thinking about how there are four different couples in the play, and one of them is supernatural—the king and queen of fairies. I still don’t know what I want to say though!

Since I’m going to the conference on Wednesday that means I have to turn in the paper on Tuesday. Joy. It’s not really fair that I get two fewer days to work on it but oh well I guess… Writing four pages is not really a big problem. The trouble comes with thinking about what to write. Once I can manage a clear focus I will be able to finish the paper in a few hours… but how do I get there??

I have to read 2/3rds of a book by tomorrow, a short story, write a 1-2 page paper about a project topic I have yet to come up with for East Asian Studies, and a 500-1000 word paper on a field trip we did for the same class. All due by Tuesday. Why!!!!???

I just want to sleep… and play video games… And I should be writing. Sigh.

I also have to think about a tutorial topic. It’s a senior thesis sort of thing. In Creative Writing that means write 25 pages of critical analysis and 25 pages of creative work. A lot fewer pages than I thought for creative, and a ton more for critical. I have no idea what story I want to write, whether I want to come up with something completely new or write out something I’ve already thought of. Or if I want to even do fantasy, science fiction, or real life fiction. The trouble is, 25 pages is actually not a lot at all. I tend to write very long stories, or would be long stories, with very complex plot lines. I like reading those sorts of stories, so I like writing them. Twenty-five pages would hardly be halfway through a story for me. What can I do?

I guess I should stop writing this and start writing that paper…..

So I started another blog that is more official that I will be doing more writing stuff that I could link to potential employers or something… You can find it here.

Hopefully I can get more people to see it. I would like it to be more popular so I get to feel motivated to write it… For this blog, I just rant and rave so I will post whenever that happens. Check it out and comment!

So I ended up finding an oooooold blog of mine on Xanga from 2006! Wow! I didn’t use grammar at all. Smiley faces were my punctuation. I posted almost every single day for three months, listing what happened in each class and after school (there were a lot of “boring“‘s) and it was just a mess. Entertaining though. I really can’t remember much at all from that time, which is really sad! Nonetheless I spent a few hours copying and pasting each post and then spent another hour figuring out how to cancel the account. I don’t want that stuff floating around! I had to reactivate a super old aol email account to do it.

What motivated me to post every single day even if it was about nothing? Was it the fact that a couple of my friends regularly read and replied to it? Or was it something else? I wish I knew and could apply it to today.

JUST WANT TO PLAY SOME TENNIS!!!

And of course, I write this as I’m procrastinating homework. I have to write a four page presentation on witchcraft and the supernatural for my Shakespeare Survey class. It sounds so easy… but it’s not fun having to find academic sources on it. Maybe if I wasn’t too lazy to go to an actual library instead of the two books at our campus library I could find out more stuff… and one of those books I have to return in an hour and a half so I should probably get started.

Ah, whatever. I also have a midterm to do between tomorrow and Thursday. Wee. It’s supposed to be closed-book, closed-notes… but we take it anywhere… I don’t think everyone is really going to honor that. I would honor it, but how would it be fair if other people in class don’t and thus get a better grade? I am an A student. I do not stand for anything less. I will of course do the test without outside sources… but it just doesn’t seem fair because I know not everyone has the same sense of integrity.

Speaking of grades, I got a B on that last drawing project I did, the one I posted in this blog featuring fabric. I know it’s not the best thing in the world… but I feel like it should still be an A. There are a lot of students who don’t know anything about drawing. So what is he going to do, fail them? But if he’s giving them As and Bs too, then that is completely unfair. Sure, critique me a little more because I know what I’m doing, but don’t punish me for having previous experience. I really hate grades in art and writing classes. Other than technical things that can be obviously graded (work ethic, and in writing, grammar) how can you put a grade on something that is supposed to be self-expression? Because I like to outline my objects you are going to give me a 2 out of 5 in composition? Sure I think the lines could be a little less intense… but a 2?? Seriously?

Ahhh I really need some tennis as a stress reliever. I just want to ace someone.

I feel so lazy. Everyone says that this semester is going by like a flash, and I agree. How is it already the end of February? It feels like it was just yesterday I was complaining that it was already the end of January. I really don’t want time to go so fast. I don’t even want tomorrow to come.

I have a ton of work due next week. I think I’m in denial. I have a presentation, a midterm, a handout… Probably more, but those are the only ones I can think of. And then I have a ton of stuff due the week after too. Thankfully I’ll be going to New Orleans as an early spring break!!

I got accepted to read my piece, Mercy’s Letter, at the National Convention for Sigma Tau Delta the English honor society. I was so super happy getting accepted, and now I’m just super nervous at having to read it out loud in front of who knows how many people. If I was picked out of 1,200 people, how many of those people got accepted? And thus, how many of those people are going to be at the panels? Scared! I really need to practice reading it. I’m hoping I can eventually send it to get published in a literary magazine or something. Wish me luck!

I really have no idea what I’m going to do in my future… going to go meet with the career adviser again tomorrow. YAY…

It’s Valentine’s Day, and I really want to tell you I love you. But I can’t. Not when you’re leaving in a few days. Not when you’re leaving for an entire year. To be honest I’m just afraid. I’m afraid you don’t want to hear it. I’m afraid that it’ll be annoying, bothersome even, if I show that I’m still attached. I’m afraid you’ll say you love me too, because I don’t want you to regret going.

I want to be selfish. I want to be demanding, telling you to come and visit me one last time before you go. I want to tell you not to go at all. I want you to call me, Skype me, Facebook message me, anything more than the small texts we bounce back and forth a dozen times a day. Texts that would diminish to nothing once you’re gone.

I want to let go. I want to tell you to move on. I want to tell you that it’s okay to date other people. I don’t want to show you how much that hurts me to say. And I already said it.

We agreed on it, that last time we were together. That little talk that we had that was cut short because we caught up with the rest of the group. That little talk that couldn’t continue because then I had to leave with my friends. We hugged and I kissed your cheek and whispered goodbye. You waited while we got our tickets checked and saw me get into the bus okay. I watched you drive away trying not to cry because that would be embarrassing on a bus full of people.

But I cried anyway. And I cried again and again since. And I realize that though it was just a few months, I really fell in love with you. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten so attached, knowing from the start that you were going to leave and that it would be over. But I did get attached.

And so, I love you. And I will resist telling you. And I’m sorry.